Monday, December 31, 2007

The Steel City.

The Steelers signed me to the practice squad today.

Yeah - you know it.

Black and gold. Colors I am all too familiar with. Happy New Year to me. I expect to be signed to the active roster in time for the playoffs where I will immediately make a huge splash.

I don't know much about the city of Pittsburgh except that they tell me it is actually in Pennsylvania. I was also told that the team only has one helmet logo sticker on purpose.

More to come about me. Because I am Jeremy Bloom, and I am awesome.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

'Tis the season

It's that time of year again. The Holidays. I finished my 95th set of military push-ups, and I was thinking about what I've been thankful for and what I am hopeful for this holiday season.

I'm thankful that I am as awesome as I am.
I'm thankful that I am kick-ass.
I'm thankful that I can run faster than Devin Hester on his best day.

I'm hopeful for peace on Earth, and...

I'm hopeful that all coaches and GM's in the NFL pull their heads out of their collective asses and sign me to a freaking contract already!

I'm in the best shape of my life. My toe is no longer injured. In fact, it's now impervious to all injury.

Wouldn't I make a nice addition to any NFL team looking for a return man? Yes, I agree, I would.

I haven't gone away.


I think you hear me coming....

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Simple question: Do you want to win or not?

Well, the Broncos must want to win any games because I was not signed last week after my kick-ass workout.

You know, things have just gotten to the point of sheer lunacy. Why I have been continually passed over is beyond me. It is beyond you, my devoted fans. Again and again, I have displayed all of the necessary skills to be successful in the NFL.

Fast? Check
Winner? Please.
Good-looking? Ridiculously so.
World class athlete? Bingo.
Awesome? Recent polling says "yes, Mr. Bloom, you are, indeed, awesome."
Marketable? Proven results there.

I can only come to the same conclusion that all of you have by now.



Devin Hester.

It's all adding up. The NFL, in league with the NCAA and Devin Hester, does not want Jeremy Bloom to succeed. This is lawsuit material. I don't want it to come to that (I have many suits pending right now) but I will do what I have to do to preserve my human right to become more awesome each and every day.

I urge you, the fans, to call your local NFL team. This is where you, the little people, can make a difference. Tell your local team that Jeremy Bloom is still out there, ready to make your team an instant winner.

I am only one man. I can't do it all on my own. I need my lawyers and agents, and now you, the fans, to make the dream a reality.

Be bold. be daring. Take risks. Be awesome. I mean, Jeremy Bloom-awesome. Bloomerific (trademark pending), if you will.


Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Any minute now...

Man, I am all over the Denver press right now. Newspapers, TV... It's a lock. Can't wait to put on that Broncos jersey. This is fate. Destiny. Hometown boy does good. Disney will make a movie about this story. Fuck you, Vince Papaya.

Rock and Roll!

Yep - Denver brought me in for a workout. I'll be signed within the week. Too bad Brandon Marshall is going to have to give up that #15 he wears. I want my old number back, and Mr. DUI is going to hand it over.

Friday, October 26, 2007

It's inevitable.

I worked out for the Carolina Panthers this week. I expect to be signed. The Denver media is still completely on my jock. I would expect the Broncos to call soon. You haven't seen the last of me.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

I am offended!!!

My hometown team, the Denver Broncos, cut their return man Domenik Hixon. I figured they would call me. Instead, they signed some scrub. What is Broncos PR thinking? Not only am I the man for the job, it's my hometown!

Oh, and this just in, the Eagles still suck!

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Oh, come on.

No one wants to sign me? Do you all know how fast I am? Plus, I am really, really good-looking. Let me return punts and kickoffs for your NFL team. Please?

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

I knew they would call.

Nice return game, Eagles. Good thing it didn't cost you the game. Oh, wait..

So, Andy Reid called me. Asked me to come back. Seriously, this guy has a pair of brass ones doesn't he?

What did I tell him?

Well, they signed Reno Mahe (HA HA HA HA!)

Does that answer your question?


Andy Reid gets the Gas Face.

Friday, September 7, 2007

I'm as shocked as you are.

I still can't believe I was cut.

Plus, no teams apparently want to sign me.

Am I down? Me? Jeremy Bloom? On the contrary. I've been working out. My 40 time is down to 4.15. It's just a matter of time before I get back in the league.

I will be recounting my final hours as an Eagle soon. Lots of words were exchanged. I now know who left the Ball Boy jersey in my locker. Stay tuned.

Gotta go work out again. My agent is also calling.

Friday, August 31, 2007

The Rocky Mountain Showdown. It's ON!

People in Colorado know what I'm talking about. This is the game where the Buffs beat the holy hell out of the Colorado State Rams. Seriously, the Rams are a good team. A good HIGH SCHOOL team. Have you seen their schedule this year? The play the International Lighthouse for the Blind. CU plays Florida State.

Hopefully, I'll be able to get there. You know, make an appearance. Let the girls know I'm there.

Game vs. Jets just a formality

Did you see me? I am so on this team. Got my Eagle on last night against the Jets. Broken toe? No problem? Not 6 feet tall? So what? At last preseason is over and I can kick back. Let the checks from Eagles headquarters just roll in.

A 9.7-yard average on three punts, a 22.7-yard average on three kickoffs.

Caught a pass for 12 yards.

Broken toe.

I love the NFL. I love myself. Going to be great being an Eagle this year.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Game time

Tonight is the final preseason game against the Jets. I am already assured a roster spot. I have the entire city of Philadelphia behind me. No fair catches tonight. Only north-south running and TD's, baby. Like mogul skiing except no bumps and I'm carrying a football and there's no snow and people are trying to tackle me. Word.

So, I've been suited up for the last 15 hours. I'm ready. The Jets are going to take a beating courtesy of J-Bloom.

Screw the NCAA
Screw Devin Hester
Screw the Colorado State Rams (GO CU!)

Screw all of the haters out there. I am making a name for myself tonight.

P.S. I am not on the bubble. I am assured a roster spot. This is only a formality. Again, I am on the team.

Really, there is NO chance of me being cut. Nada. Zip. None.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007


So, now I'm being criticized for my returns. Figures. Hey, here's a novel idea....can I get someone to fucking block for me?

After the Eagles' sloppy 27-13 preseason loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers on Sunday at Heinz Field, Reid was asked to evaluate Jeremy Bloom's return work in the team's first three preseason games.

"He's done just OK," the coach said.

If by OK, you mean kick-ass, then yes I've done OK.

Bloom, a second-year player who spent all of last season on injured reserve with a hamstring injury, has returned seven punts for 49 yards in the three exhibition games. That's a 7-yard average, a figure that would have ranked 27th in the NFL a year ago.

The kick returns haven't been any better. Bloom has returned nine for 176 yards, a 19.6-yard average. That figure would have ranked 35th in the league last season. Bloom's longest return has been for 26 yards.

Here was my response to this -
"I think there's been some good and there have been some things I'd like to improve on," Bloom said after Sunday's game. "No scores and no real long returns. It's important that we play better, and it starts with me as the returner, because I'm like the quarterback of the offense to an extent. I always have the ball in my hand. We have a lot of room to improve in our return game."

Got that? I am the quarterback!!! Not McNabb. Not Kolb. Me. J-Bloom. I, Philadelphia fans, am your quarterback!!! Oh, and when I get the ball, it's like a 2-minute drill each time. Here's the thing. As much as you all think I can, I can't do it alone. I saw four guys walking off the field when I was returning a kick against the Steelers. Hello! I need you guys to block for me!!!

Plus, my toe hurts. It really hurts.

Here's what I said about it:
"It's been painful, but I knew that was going to be the case," Bloom said. "You also have to remember that it's the preseason and we have a different group out there all the time. We're rotating every position, so it's never that core group. But that's not an excuse for a lack of production."

Translation? I have scrubs blocking for me. Thanks for nothing.

When this preseason started, Bloom had a job to lose as the Eagles' returner. He hasn't lost it, but with one preseason game left, he hasn't exactly secured it, either.

Secure this.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Top 10 fastest receivers?

According to Sports Illustrated, anyway. Notice anything? Yeah, I'm not on the list. Here's my take on it.

1. Devin Hester
This guy is a true thorn in my side. WR? I thought he was still a horrible CB. Fuck him. I'm faster.

2. Ted Ginn, Jr.
Did you hear all those boos on draft day, Ted? Can't run away from those.

3. Santana Moss
I'm faster.

4. Troy Williamson
Yep. I'm faster.

5. Lee Evans
This just in: I'm faster than you.

6. Roy Williams
Ha Ha! You play form the Lions! Oh, yeah, and I'm faster.

7. Steve Smith
My mentor. Awesome dude. Can't say enough good things about him. P.S. I'm faster.

8. Calvin Johnson
Another dude from the Lions? Fast? Well, he had better be because he's going to be chasing down a lot of DB's after Kitna throws his usual 5 picks per game.

9. Bernard Berrian
How would we know if this guy is fast? Grossman fumbles the snap before any of his receivers can get 5 yards out of their route.

10. Donte' Stallworth
If Donte' was so fast, why is he no longer an Eagle - and I am? Answer: I'M FUCKING FASTER!

Friday, August 17, 2007

Now, that's better.

So, looks like EA got scared because I'm in the game now. It took an online update, but there I was. Best looking guy in the game.

My overall rating was a 58. 58? I was thinking 90, minimum.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Oh, for fuck's sake...

So, yesterday was the big Madden 2008 release. It's still, hands-down, the best football video-game franchise ever. I looked in my mailbox for the free copy I figured EA would send me. Wasn't there. Oh well, I thought, I'll just have to pick mine up at a store and send EA the bill.

I went to a Best Buy. I wore sunglasses and a hat so I wouldn't get mobbed by fans. Worked like a charm. Checked out the music section first. Still no new 3rd Bass album. I keep hearing Kris Kross is going to cut a new record. Damn that would be da bomb if that were true.

OK, so I get to the video games and pick up a copy for my 360 (I have all of the systems, but I like madden on the 360) I notice small kid staring at me. Crap, I thought, I've been nabbed. Quickly I look up in the air like I hear a helicopter landing on the roof or something - you know, acting all sly like I don't know I'm being stared at.

"Excuse me," says the little kid. Damn, he's good. Must be a big fan.

"No hablo ingles. Just messing with you. Hey, little fella, what's up?" You have to be good to the fans. The little people.

"Do you like Jeremy Bloom?" he asks.

"What's that? Who? OH, you mean that amazingly good looking, world-class athlete, man-about-town? He rules the ski slopes -- is about to conquer the NFL? Yeah he's fucking awesome....shit, I mean he's really cool."

(Dammit, stop swearing in front of kids! This one couldn't be helped. I was talking about myself, for fucks sake.)

"Well, yeah, I like him why do you ask?"

"You're wearing his jersey."

"Well, sonny, there would be a good reason for that."

"Yeah, you're the Eagles Ball-Boy."

" old are you, kid?"

"Thirteen. How old are you? How did you get to be the Eagles Ball-Boy? I'd love that job!"

"Kid," obviously a mistake, I take off my sunglasses. Two women faint in the distance. "I'm Jeremy Bloom."

"But I'm taller than you."

"Jesus-Fucking-Christ!!!! I'm Jeremy Bloom!!!"


"OK, that's it, we're racing. Parking lot. NOW!"

Long-story short, I smoked the little fucker in the parking lot of a Best Buy. I got back to my room. Put the game on.

I AM NOT IN THE FUCKING GAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, EA, it's on. Expect to be served. I have called my agent, the agent for my abs, all 16 of my lawyers, and we are wicked pissed at you. I expect to be in the game by week's end. End of story.

Adversity only makes me stronger. Now the workout will include an extra 20,000 crunches. I am going to score an extra ten touchdowns this year. That's how pissed I am.

I am not the fucking ball-boy.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Did you see me on TV?

Kickoff returns:
5 for an avg of 21.6 yards. That's over a 20-yard average!

Punt Returns:
2 for a 14.5 yard avg. Hello. That would be leading the league if that were the last game.

2 for 16 yards. Oh, yeah. I can catch, too.

Did y'all see that d-bag Ravens player jawing with me after a kickoff return? Well, then you also saw me stare him down with my steel-blue eyes. I swear he said "Ball-Boy" to me.

OK, so I had to get my toe x-rayed during the game. I'll be honest with you. It was broken. Shattered. While they were getting the x-ray ready, I healed my toe with the power of my mind. X-rays: negative. BOOYAH!

Yes, I called a fair-catch. Well, three. So fucking sue me. But before you do, know that I will counter sue any of you that try to interrupt my ability to make a living. Fuck you, NCAA.

Excellent 2007 debut by J-Bloom. Going to pick up Madden 2008 today. I had better have a 100 rating for my speed and agility god dammit.

Monday, August 13, 2007

First Preseason game: Time for me to fly.

Sorry for lack of posts. Camp has been fine. I have to sign autographs for a minimum 2 hours before I can get back to my room. It's all I can do to eat, do 10,000 crunches, call my agent, and get a solid ten hours sleep.

Anyway, finally, we have a game against the Ravens tonight. How many touchdowns do you think I'll score? I'm thinking two.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Relaxing at Camp.

Got a little downtime after all of the interviews and practices that basically have been confirming what we have known all along. I'm kick-ass awesome.

I have been playing NCAA 2008 on the XBOX 360. Awesome game.

There's a campus legend game. I played that first, and looked around to find me in the game. I was then told that I would have to create myself in the game first, which is just bullshit. Fine. I created myself and played the high school tournament. I won the state title and became a five-star recruit. Every school offered me a scholarship. I chose Colorado because I always wanted to finish my time there (fuck you, NCAA, for not letting me accept money on the side while I played football. Fascists.) It was bittersweet, really. There I was in the game, kicking ass like we all remember. I felt a single tear roll down my high cheekbone.

I switched to Dynasty Mode where you could create a prospect. I created myself and, again, I'm being recruited hardcore. I'm the #1 prospect in the game. I've been playing as CU, and now I'm recruiting myself! Oh, the irony! What pitch should I use on myself? "J-Bloom, you kick ass, would you come to play for CU? You can have any girl on campus, and we will let you be a model in your spare time. Yes, you may accept money to pay for your Olympic endeavors. Of course, we will erect a statue to you outside of Folsom Field. Wait, what's that? OK, we'll call it Folsom Field at Bloom Stadium. Done and done."

Now, of course, those aren't actual pitches you can use, but those were the ones promised to me when I was really being recruited. (Lawsuit still pending).

The one thing I won't do is import myself into Madden after I graduate. I mean, I'm already in Madden 2008. Could you imagine two J-Bloom's in one game? Too powerful for any video game processor. Unfair competitive advantage. Oh well, guess I'll just have to dominate the NFL for real. In real life, yo.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Sweet Fancy Moses!

Dammit I fucking rule.

Jeremy Bloom can play. It is time to take him seriously.

Oh, just a little article about me on

After just a weekend at camp.

I am the best receiver.

Is their still time to vote for me for the 75th Anniversary All-Time Eagles Team?


Time To Say It: Bloom Is A Football Player

With every route he runs and every catch he makes and every lap he runs after practice, Jeremy Bloom takes another step toward erasing the doubts. He is a football player now, full fledged, and the idea that Bloom is a Jeremy-come-lately to the game, a crossover athlete more suited to a pin-up poster than a sharp "out" pattern is fading, fading gone.

Now, I know this could be construed in some circles as early-training camp poppycock. It was hot as a deep-Southern kitchen on Saturday afternoon at Lehigh University, so maybe the sultry day got to me a little bit. But I don't think so. I think what I've seen since the spring, even before that, is legitimate.

Jeremy Bloom can play.

He has come a long way since last year, when the curiosity factor with Bloom was high. A world-class skiing career over, Bloom hastily joined the ranks of NFL wannabes when he took part in the Combine, ran well enough to be taken seriously and then was drafted by the Eagles in the fifth round last April.

After that? Bloom couldn't get his body right all spring and summer. He was a skier trying to navigate the most difficult of moguls in a world of grown men who had been playing the game their whole lives. Who did Bloom think he was, having not played for two full seasons, looking to dent the roster of a team that would win 10 games and capture the NFC East and then advance two rounds deep into the playoffs?

"I've always loved football, even when I was skiing," he said. "I would have continued playing at Colorado if the NCAA permitted. Rules are rules. I didn't agree with it, but I pursued my Olympic dream. Coming to the Eagles was a great opportunity, but it takes time to get the body right again. Last year was a learning experience in a lot of ways."

This Bloom is a totally different person, a totally different player. He starred throughout the spring and he stood out – heads and shoulders among the receivers – on Saturday. Given the picture in front of Bloom, it is certainly much more plausible to think he will have a chance to impact the Eagles this year as a return man and even – and it is wayyyy early to say this, but I will anyway – as part of packages in the offense as a receiver.

What separates Bloom from the pack at this point is his quickness. He is startling quick, with a burst that is completely legitimate. Bloom is the team's leading candidate to return punts and kickoffs and if he continues to progress at wide receiver, he could have a role there, too.

In the past year, Bloom has rebuilt his body and re-trained his muscles. He ran a 4.49 at the Combine and now thinks he is down in the high 4.2's or low 4.3's now. He is stronger, more physically prepared for the rigors of the NFL game. All of the technical things, the footwork and the hand placements and the instincts, they have returned. His bench press has increased from 285 pounds to 315 pounds.

Mentally? No comparison. He understands the concepts of the offense, and he has studied route running thoroughly although Bloom readily admits that he has a long, long way to go to get to where he wants to be on the field.

"I'm not where I was last year, for sure, but I don't think I'm anywhere close to where I want to be, or where I know I can be," said Bloom. "I feel I have a lot to improve on. I'm happy with where I'm at, and the year I put in, all the work I did, has paid off. I'm prepared for this. I'm much more comfortable on the field.

"I am far from relaxing. This is day one. We have a long way to go."

Bloom stood out on several occasions on Saturday. He ran a couple of option routes over the middle and froze linebacker Stewart Bradley in his tracks. Bradley actually showed a lot of athletic ability on the play, hanging with Bloom on a shallow crossing route, but once Bloom gave him the shake and bake, a stutter step to the right and then a move back to the left, Bradley was in the dust. Any linebacker would be wasted on that play. That is how quick Bloom is. That is how much of a mismatch it is to have him in space.

In the afternoon, Bloom was on the receiving end of a perfect pass from Kevin Kolb. Bloom ran a 'go' route against cornerback Nick Graham, who was off in coverage. Graham tried to force Bloom off his route, but Bloom stayed true and blew past Graham, hauled in Kolb's throw and the crowd at Lehigh University erupted.

There are certainly no guarantees here. Bloom has to stay healthy and he has to convince the coaching staff that he can be trusted in the return game. The young man is suddenly "the guy" with Bethel Johnson now in Houston with the Texans. The Eagles are looking at others in the return scenario, but Bloom is the one they hope rises.

Next up for Bloom is contact. He will see it at wide receiver next week, his first substantive contact since his collegiate days. Last year, Bloom was healthy for only a handful of practices and saw limited time in the preseason against Baltimore.

"I know what it's like to get hit," said Bloom. "I know how I will react to it. It's part of the game. I'm looking forward to it. Every day brings something new and that is exciting for me.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

I'm on the Hot-Seat?

I reported to training camp today. This is what I find taped to my pillow in my room.

Wide receiver/kick returner Jeremy Bloom

When’s the last time you were excited to see the Eagles return a kick? Probably not since J.R. Reed was the return man, and that was three seasons ago.

If Brian Westbrook or Lito Sheppard stood back there, you just didn’t want them to get hurt.

The Eagles haven’t returned a punt for a touchdown since 2003 (Westbrook, 81 yards vs. San Francisco). They haven’t returned a kickoff for a touchdown since 2001 (Brian Mitchell, 94 yards, at Arizona).

Will Bloom change that?

Umm, yes, I'll change that. Oh, and I'm getting a little pissed that these things are being slipped my way. What's a hot-seat? Is this reporter saying that I have a hot ass? Well, that's true, but this Eagle doesn't fly that way, pal. This reporter gets the gas face.

The Eagles turned down my demand to have my lawyer and agent room with me at camp. Fuckers.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Training camp begins tomorrow.

I've been doing crunches all day just to get a head start.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

NFC East preview continued: The Foreskins.

Well, we have Jason Campbell at QB. Wait...who? Exactly. This guy gets a lot of hype. Then again, so did Andrew Walter.

Clinton Portis. He's awesome when he isn't hurt. Too bad that's never the case.

Antwaan Randle El and Santana Moss. Yeah. More hype. Big results.

Sean Taylor. Isn't he in jail?

Joe Gibbs. The game has passed you by old man.

As you can see, this is an easy season sweep for The Eagles and Jeremy Bloom. Man, where's the competition?

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

NFC East preview continued: The Giants.

Ah yes, the G-men. How can I break down this team of underachievers?

Eli Manning: The "other" Manning. Also known as "Mr. Inconsistency, "Peyton Manning's less tealented brother." Bears a striking resemblence to Sloth from The Goonies.

Tiki Barber: Oh, right, this guy quit on his team in the prime of his career.

Plexiglass Burress: An inconsistent player for an inconsisten team. Perfect.

Michael Strahan: See an Orthodontist, big guy.

It will be J-Bloom's pleasure to run back several punts for TD's against these fools.

Eagles win series 2-0. I emulate the jump-shot celebration after each win.

Monday, July 16, 2007

A look at the NFC East. First - The Cowgirls.

The Dallas Cowgirls. How overrated could one team get? Tony Romo? Anybody would be an upgrade over Drew Bledsoe.

Julius Jones and Marion Barber will fight it out for the RB spot. Yeah, it's as boring as it sounds.

T.O., where do I start? Thanks, Dallas, for taking our table-scraps. Good to know you have T.O. on your team isn't it? After all, he was SUCH a difference-maker for y'all last year.

Oh, and nice hold, Romo. Could be the biggest choke-job since the Miracle at the Meadowlands. Then there's Martin Gramatica putting on a blocking clinic as Romo runs for his life. Seriously? Martin Gramatica? What, wasn't George Blanda available for a try-out?

Eagles sweep the Cowgirls this year. No-brainer.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Another one bites the dust.

Later, Bethel Johnson. Have fun in Houston. I'll just be here returning kicks and punts for touchdowns every Sunday.

Yeah, the return job was always mine, but the Eagles made it official by cutting Bethel Johnson. Johnson signed with Houston. Does Houston even have a team? Who cares.

Does that mean that Johnson is off my "Ball-Boy" jersey list? Hell, no. No one is above suspicion. No one is above the law. Except me....and Steven Seagall. We are above the law. That's awesome-sounding, isn't it? Damn, I rock.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

You heard it here first.

All the time, I hear "J-Bloom, how much ass are you going to kick this year? What are your goals? What's your prediction for the season?"

Well, as much as I love to be humble, when it comes to what I know I can achieve -- I know the numbers are going to be off the hook!"

Returns for TD's: At least 7. Maybe 10. Combo of kickoff and punt returns.

Catches: Pretty sure I'm going to become Donovan's favorite target. You're looking at 50 catches minimum.

TD's: Other than returns? Well, I'm doing the math here, all factors considered, 12-15.

Intangibles: 25-50 special team tackles. 3 blocked punts. 2 rushes for 150 yards (both TD's) An interception or 2. Thousands of broken hearts (hello ladies).

As a team, welcome back to the promised land, Philly. Championship time. I figure we beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl. Easily. I get named MVP and finally get a forum to tell the NCAA to kiss my beautiful ass.

I'll get named Rookie of the Year. Yes, in my second year. My lawyers found a loophole that will make me eligible for that award.

See you all at mini-camp! (I can't sign anything there without my lawyers being present. They are always present, so I reserve the right to refuse signing an item. I need to concentrate on my craft. OK, let's just call it for what it is -- I'm not signing anything. Don't bother asking me. Except boobs. I will always sign a girls boobs. But you can't be old, ugly, have bad hair, skin, make-up, tone of voice, and so on. You have to be hot. I mean Bloom-hot. So, there's not many of you. But I'll sign your boobs if you meet the above qualifications. Even real boobs provided they aren't nasty saggy ones. They have to be high and tight. Big, small, it doesn't matter. OK, they have to be big. Not too big. Maybe 36-38 D-DD. OK, 36-DD. Those I'll sign. Easy enough? Cool. Peace.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

How ya like me now?

Still single, ladies. Peace.

Friday, June 29, 2007

The hunt continues.

I have a short-list of those I suspect put the "BALL-BOY" jersey in my locker.

Donovan McNabb
Andy Reid
Brian Dawkins
Bethel Johnson
Devin Hester
Vince Papaya
Mark Wahlberg

I may or may not have someone working undercover for me to solve this mystery. It's like in the movie "The Departed."

Maybe Not.
Maybe Fuck Yourself.

Did you know?

When I did my Playboy interview, they asked me a very strange, but not unexpected, question. They asked me if I wanted to pose nude for them! I was like, whoa, are you kidding? Isn't this the place where the ladies show the goods? "Well," they said, "it would be a new ditrection for us, but you, Jeremy Bloom, are THAT beautiful."

I thought, well, I AM a trailblazer, and I am THAT beautiful. It would probably be the best-selling issue ever. Still, on the advice of my team of lawyers, I declined the offer.

Like Paris Hilton, I also have a standing offer to pose nude for Playboy. Thanks, Hef.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

OK, now it's ON!!!!

Some asswipe hung this up in my locker. I wish I could have caught them doing it. It would have been worth them doing it just so I could have caught them doing it! Someone's ass is grass.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Excuse me?

This article was taped to my locker yesterday.

Five things we learned from minicamp

by Les Bowen

1. Fewer than 7 months after ACL surgery, Donovan McNabb can drop back and throw a pass without his right knee swelling up or falling off.

2. In short pants and wearing no pads, Jeremy Bloom absolutely looks like one of the ballboys. But he runs much faster than they do, and he seems to be able to catch a thrown or kicked football pretty well.

3. Untested strongside linebacker Chris Gocong still hasn't tackled anybody, but he has shown strong mastery of Jim Johnson's defense, enough to allow Johnson to sleep through the night between now and Lehigh.

4. Rookie running back Tony Hunt looks pretty darned good. But then again, so does Correll Buckhalter, the guy Hunt figures to be fighting with for the half-dozen or so touches Brian Westbrook doesn't get.

5. Jevon Kearse needs to spend the next 6 weeks eating, so when camp arrives, he'll no longer look like a really tall Kenyan distance runner.

I looked around the Eagles locker room, asking if anyone knew who taped this to my locker. I gave my meanest, yet still model-like, looks to my teammates all day. I'm betting it was Donovan just trying to rile me a little.

Monday, June 18, 2007

The rest of the short guys on the Maxim list.

Here's the rest of the countdown because I know you can't wait any longer.

9. Jon Stewart
Born: 1962
Height: 5'7" (counting the hair)
Claim to fame: Fake news godfather.

I don't pay attention to the news. Even fake news (unless it's about me.)

8. Martin Scorsese
Born: 1942
Height: 5'4"
Claims to fame: Cinema superdirector. Nipple-high to Leonardo DiCaprio.

This is the gangster movie guy. Godfather 3 was a disgrace. Not awesome.

7. Yoda
Born: 900 BSD (Before Senate Dissolved)
Height: 2'2"
Claim to fame: Leader of Jedi he is!

Why is Yoda cool-looking in Episodes 2 and 3, but he's just a cheap K-Mart puppet in Episode 1? That's not awesome.

6. Yuri Gagarin
Height: 5'2"
Claims to fame: First man in space. Teddy-bear-size Cold War mascot.

I don't watch wrestling.

5. Napoleon Bonaparte
Height: 5'4"
Claim to fame: French emperor (considered prestigious at the time).

I liked the movie, but the ending just wasn't believable. The kids still would have voted for Summer Wheatley.

4. Naim Suleymanoglu
Born: 1967
Height: 4'11"
Claim to fame: Olympic weightlifting champ, a.k.a. “Pocket Hercules.”

Note to self: Have lawyer put a trademark on "Pocket Hercules."

3. Spud Webb
Born: 1963
Height: 5'7"
Claim to fame: Won the 1986 NBA Slam Dunk contest with a cannonball-like reverse ka-pow.

I tried that dunk in high-school. Could it have been any easier?

2. Angus Young
Born: 1955
Height: 5'2"
Claim to fame: Satan’s guitarist.

Close but no cigar. If this is Satan's guitarist then I am the Frontman of Evil.

1. Jeremy Bloom
Born: 1982
Height: 5'9 and 7/8 inches"
Claim to fame: Please....

The Bloominator wins again.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

The Gas Face

Who gets the Gas Face?

Devin Hester
Nebraska Cornhuskers
Colorado State Rams.

Kick 'em in the grill, Pete!

...and the list goes on (#14-#10)

14. Ronnie James Dio
Born: 1942 (year unconfirmed)
Height: 5'4"
Claims to fame: Replaced Ozzy in Black Sabbath. Claims to have invented metal’s franchise “devil horns” hand sign.

I invented those Devil horns! Good thing my lawyer is on speed-dial.

13. Pat Morita
Born: 1932
Height: 5'3"
Claim to fame: Ultimate movie sensei.

Please. I got your "crane techique" right here.

12. Diego Maradona
Born: 1960
Height: 5'5"
Claims to fame: Soccer god. Cheating cunt.

Diego is a coke-head. Definitely not awesome. I do not poison my body in the world I live in.

11. James Madison
Height: 5'4"
Claims to fame: Shortest commander in chief ever. Wrote most of the Constitution.

Kind of awesome. He makes a good beer, too.

10. The Hobbits
Heights: Elijah Wood (a.k.a. Frodo): 5'6"; Sean Astin (a.k.a. Sam): 5'6"; J.R.R. Tolkien (Hobbit honcho, 1892–1973): 5'5"
Claim to fame: Biggest geek heroes of all time.

I'm not even so sure that Hobbits are real.

#20-#15 on the awesome short dudes list.

20. Prince
Born: 1958
Height: 5'2"
Claims to fame: Only pop artist who can sing about female “self-service,” strut around in a purple suit half his life, and still be considered the Man.

Wait, are they talking about me here?

19. Bruce Lee
Height: 5'7"
Claim to fame: Passive-aggressive ass-kicker brought martial arts to the round-eye.

Wax-on, wax-off. Paint the fence. Sand the floor. Kiss my ass.

18. Jeff Gordon
Born: 1971
Height: 5'7"
Claim to fame: Cali golden boy showed NASCAR’s cracker power base how to win their own races.

Slow, short guy who needs big car to make him fast. Me? Just my own two legs, baby.

17. David Eckstein
Born: 1975
Height: 5'7"
Claim to fame: St. Louis Cardinals shortstop (seriously!) looks like a five-year-old but owns World Series jewelry.

Oh, come on. This one is made up, right?

16. T. E. Lawrence
Height: 5'5"
Claims to fame: Helped liberate the Middle East from colonial oppressors. Set up awesome countries like Iraq. (Thanks!)

Iraq is not awesome, and neither is this guy.

15. David Ben-Gurion
Height: 5'0"
Claim to fame: Founder of the State of Israel.

Can I sue Maxim for boring me to death with this list? I'll give it a shot.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Living Large: A list of awesome small dudes and why I am more awesome than all of them.

Here are the top 25 all-time-most-awesome small dudes as composed by Maxim magazine but perfected by yours truly.

25. Doug Flutie
Born: 1962
Height: 5'10"
Claims to fame: Uncorked “the Pass” to beat the evil Miami Hurricanes in 1984. Pro all-star in two different leagues—if you count the CFL.

Flutie Flakes is pretty awesome. Seriously though -- a dropkick? Do I honestly have to explain why I am more awesome?

24. Ross Perot
Born: 1930
Height: 5'7"
Claims to fame: Two folksy/bizarre runs for president. Richer than your entire family tree.

Did he become President? Case closed.

23. John Keats
Height: 5'0"
Claim to fame: Pale poet discovered the power of art—it makes women overlook your complete lack of brawn.


22. Ron Jeremy
Born: 1953
Height: 5'6"
Claim to fame: Hardest-working man in porn, claims a résumé about 5,000 women long!

Most awesome Jeremy not named Bloom. (I'm closing in on 8,000, just so you know.)

21. Kurt Cobain
Height: 5'7"
Claims to fame: Leader of Nirvana. Married Earth’s most obnoxious woman.

When was that? 1991? I can think of two more awesome short guys from that year. Names are Kris and Kross. I was like 5 years old and still more awesome.

Almost time for my next workout. To be continued...

Thursday, June 14, 2007

HA-HA. Very funny.

So, the guys on the team just told me that you actually do score fantasy football using yards gained and touchdowns and all of that. Yeah, well, you should still draft me because I am that good. I have that much "upside." I am that good-looking. My abs...ahh fuck....

OK, whatever, you can't score points in fantasy football for being good-looking. Dammit. Brian Dawkins had better not come over the middle against me - that's all I can say.

Seriously though, I am that god-damned good-looking.

Balls. Just pure balls.

So, I found out that Mitchell and Ness have produced a jersey based on that Vince Papaya guy from the movie Invincible. OK, again, since that's really my story, now both Disney and Mitchell and Ness are in some serious legal trouble.

Why you should draft me on your fantasy football team.

I'll let you in on a secret. OK, it's not really a secret. I'm the best-looking Philadephia Eagle...ever.

Anyway, back on topic, who loves fantasy football? I don't know how to play because I play the actual game. Still, I hear it's popular with the common man. So - here's the dealio. You should draft me. Period. High draft pick. Do you want to win? If you don't, then don't draft me. That simple.

Who is a bigger fantasy stud than me? I have overcome all the odds. Olympics. Done. College ball? So good they made me stop playing. Looks? So, as I understand it, you earn points based on how many things make you a stud in someone's fantasy. Looks, charisma, charm, abs -- I've got it all. Just imagine if you could earn fantasy "points" or whatever, based on things liked yards gained and touchdowns.

Monday, June 11, 2007


Oh yeah, another article all about me.

Bloom got a lot of face time after last year's draft because he was just a few months removed from his freestyle skiing experience at the Olympics in Torino, and in part because he'd done some modeling.

That version of himself is gone, he said. Bloom has reshaped his body into an improvement on the one that suited up for the Buffaloes in college, and he didn't hit the slopes last winter.

Anyone who doesn't look at him and think "football player,' he said, doesn't know him that well.

"I don't think I called a fair catch once in Colorado. It's not the way I play," he said. "And the special teams coach here emphasizes the fact that you have to call some fair catches. In this league it's a little bit different, but it's just not the way I play the game."

His recent upturn in prospects isn't likely to round off his edge.

"When you're No. 1 in the world in skiing, or you're at the top of the depth chart, you have to work harder," he said.

Honestly, I don't even know how to call for a fair catch. Coaches have explained it to me, but I only pretended to listen. So, I never called them. And I NEVER will. I AM NUMBER ONE and I work fucking hard. Fair catch? Yeah, I got your fair catch right here.

I am Jeremy-Fucking-Bloom.

Saturday, June 9, 2007

Hey ladies.....

I'm single. Peace.

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Just give it up already

The Eagles yesterday cut kick returner/wide receiver Bethel Johnson due to his inability to pass a physical after sustaining a stress fracture in his leg during a workout prior to the team's post-draft minicamp in May. However, team sources said yesterday the plan is to turn around and re-sign Johnson at some point so he can compete with Jeremy Bloom for the job of returning punts and kickoffs.

I don't see the point here. No competition as far as I'm concerned. Anyway, not sure who the team sources are but when I find out there will be hell to pay. Bloom-style.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Like there was any doubt?

So, here's a little piece of news I found out today.

-- The Eagles cut wide receiver/kick returner Bethel Johnson after he failed his physical.

Guess that makes me the one and only choice for KR/PR now doesn't it? Oh, and look at me flying (Eagle-style) up the WR depth chart. This season is just going to be epic for me.

I heard Beth(el) had a major panic attack when he found out I was his competition. That's how he "failed" the physical.

Monday, June 4, 2007

Devin Hester moving to Offense. Whatever.

Well, would you look at that, Devin Hester is switching to offense. Know why? Because he is the ultimate offensive weapon? No, that would be me. It's because he is pretty much the worst defensive back ever known in the history of the NFL. Seriously. I'm going to petition to play both ways for the Eagles.

I can just hear it now:

"McNabb to Bloom -- Touchdown!! That's their fourth-scoring hookup of the day!"

"Bloom gets the kickoff....untouched to the goal line! The city of brotherly love rejoices again!"

"Bloom with the interception and you know where this one is going, Eagles fans."

See you in hell, Devin Hester.

Saturday, June 2, 2007

Yeah, you can expect to see this on Sundays.

Total bullshit that I'm a Giant though. Whoever made this and signed me to the Giants (total fags) is going to get sued faster than I can run a 40.

Don't blink....

Or you'll miss me! 4.49? Did you see me pull back a little? Also, look closely at the turf. Yeah, it is smoking behind me. Full speed would have burned the place to the ground. Oh, and check out my torn shirt. Watch out for the guns...they'll get ya.

Friday, June 1, 2007

Getting ready to dominate.

I'm all over the Philly media. The city of brotherly love loves me. Click the title of this post to read the article devoted to me.

Know who else loves me? Carolina Panthers all-pro Steve Smith. In the article, I mention how Reno Mahe introduced me to Smith.

Mahe: "Hey, man, this is J-Bloom."

Smith: "Sorry, getting ready for the game. I'm not signing anything today." (Steve Smith is just hilarious in real-life, by the way.)

Anyway, long story short, Steve Smith has become a great mentor of mine. He sees the talent that I am. I am really just a better-looking version of his anyway. With more speed. Better abs, too. So.

Let's recap a little:

Hero: Pat Tillman
Mentor: Steve Smith
Douche-bag: Devin "One-Trick-Pony" Hester.
Jag-Offs: The NCAA.
Awesome: Jeremy Bloom.

Disney is just begging to be sued.

OK, so me and a bunch of teammates got together last night for a little "bonding." Basically, a waste of time for me because that's just less time for me to work out. We're talking tens of THOUSANDS of crunches that I had to skip to be with these guys. Still, I know it's a big deal for them to be around me. Model, Olympic skier, football star, model, abs, all-around great guy. You know. Well, imagine you know.

So, we sit down to watch this movie called "Invincible." It's a movie, made by the fascists at Disney, about this guy named Vince Papaya, or Pepperoncini, whatever. Autobiographical story about a down-on-his-luck, screwed by the system, undersized yet awesome athlete that just shows up out of nowhere and becomes a special teams hero of the Philadelphia Eagles.

Yeah, no shit that sounds like me! Come on, if you are going to make a movie about my life, at least cover it up better next time. Let's examine it, shall we?

Vince Papaya is exceptionally fast. I am exceptionally fast.

Vince Papaya is small. Me? Big things come in small packages, sweetheart.

Vince Papaya is beloved by the community. I am a worldwide hero.

Vince Papaya scores the hottest ladies around. Oh, damn, this is just getting silly. Ladies of the world. From me to you: You're welcome. You know who you all are.

Fuck. Bloom is getting upset. OK, fine, Disney, don't cut me in on the huge paycheck you got with this movie based on my life. You'll hear from my lawyers.

Oh, and Marky Mark? See you in the Octagon, asshole. I threw out your Cd's, by the way. They sucked balls.

Thursday, May 31, 2007

My trip to the White House.

Me and George W. are tight. I was there with the US Olympic ski team. The Prez was signing things right and left. I noticed he was having a difficult time signing things standing up. Went something like this:

G.W.-- "Sure, I can sign that for you. Man, it's hard to sign this standing up. I wish I had something solid to sign on though. Something rock-solid. Like granite, or steel."

He looks my way.

G.W. -- "Bloom, perfect. May I please use your back for a moment. I need your perfect back and shoulder muscles..."

"Say no more, George. Say no more."

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Guitar update

Oh yeah, I got that flamenco guitar I was talking about. I basically knew more about this thing than the guy on TV. He's like "what do you want to learn?" I'm like "You're the teacher, you tell me." Anyway, just add one more thing to the list of skills I've mastered. I'm going to be bringing my guitar to training camp. The guys will love it. Nothing football players love more than a little flamenco guitar. I rule.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

First mini-camp

Well, I breezed through the first mini-camp last weekend. Yeah, I'm basically the talk of the town.

Jeremy Bloom, KR/WR: He caught a zillion punts and handled them well. I thought Bloom also stepped up as a wide receiver. Can he release off the line of scrimmage, though? I see him as a man in motion a lot, and the Eagles need to see him with the ball in his hands. I like his quicks.

I like my "quicks" too. Yes, I can release off the line of scrimmage. I may sue that guy for even thinking I can't.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Lunchables are awesome

Is there a more perfect food than Lunchables? I really like that cool mustard dispenser thing that you fold in half and mustard comes out, you know? Then you get a minty chocolate to top it off! The only thing that could possibly make it better is if they could somehow put all of that good stuff into a Hot Pocket. I don't know how it would work exactly, but it would be kick-ass that's for sure.

But Jeremy -- how could you possibly eat that stuff and still be a world-class athlete? Working out non-stop?

Two words, my friends: Power Juicer.

Sunday, May 6, 2007

I'm going to learn Flamenco guitar!

My Saturday night workout lasted until 3am. So, I'm kickin' back and thinking about my next workout when I see this commercial for a guitar master named Esteban. Basically, this guy is a Flamenco guitar master.

I'm on this offer like stink on a monkey! My teammates are going to freak out when they know I can also play guitar like a freakin' master. Seriously, how can you beat this offer? I wonder how if I can get one of those Bolero hats? Anyway, when I get the guitar, I'll write about it. It'll kick ass. Should be no problem to learn. I so fucking rock.

Friday, May 4, 2007

Pat Tillman is my hero.

I've gone on record many times saying that Pat Tillman is my hero. That guy was a bad-ass. Plus, the similarities between the two of us are just plain spooky.

We both went to a major college.

We were both kick-ass college players.

Pat was a handsome man. Me? Well, you know...

We both made it to the NFL.

Pat Tillman left his NFL career to valiantly serve his country. The guy gave up millions to become an Army Ranger. He wouldn't give any interviews and he shunned all publicity. He basically just wanted to be a soldier and he felt he deserved no special treatment. Sadly, he died due to "friendly" fire. I have an agent that represents my abs and I sued the NCAA and became a model.

See? Spooky-similar isn't it? We all need heroes, kids. (If you want me to be your hero, you should probably let one of my agents know so we can avoid any possible future litigation.)

Thursday, May 3, 2007

Who the hell is Steve Van Buren?

OK, so my number in college was 15. That's how everyone knows me (especially all the goofs reading it on my back as they try to chase me down..touchdown Bloom! anyway...) Well, last year I'm getting fitted for all of my equipment (you know, getting my "Eagle" on.) and the balloon-head says this:

"#15 is retired, you can't have it."

"Yeah, good one, this is the rookie hazing I hear all about right?" This balloon-head just stares at me and points to a picture of some dinosaur on the wall wearing my number. "Steve Van Buren? Who the hell is that? Can I just get that 15 in a size 40? I need to call my agent."

The guy must not have heard me.

"Here you go." He hands me a jersey.

"#11? Try again, but this time, give me the '11' that says '15.' Gracias. (it's cool to be mulit-lingual.)

"Look, Steve Van Buren is in the Hall of Fame. One of the most famed Eagles of all time. Take the 11 and beat it."

Now, at this point, I'm expecting Ashton Kutcher to pop out from somewhwere. Damn, I think, I've been punk'd! Then, I realize that this guy is serious. I can't have 15. Apparently, Dick Van Patten was an actual player. Yeah, from when, 1895? I could see that this was going to take some serious doing.

"Well then, I guess we will have to unretire it, won't we?" My steel blue eyes are probably looking extra steely now.

Anyway, long story short, 11 is way cooler than 15. When they retire 11, who's going to look like an ass? Yeah, that Norm Van Patrick guy and the out-of-work equipment manager. Still thinking about suing the Eagles though. This is bull-crap.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Nothing like a good movie.

Got through with my 12 hour workout yesterday. Needed to unwind. Know what movie kicks serious ass? Zoolander. The laughter, alone, will give you a killer abdominal workout.

Words of wisdom for one Mr. Derek Zoolander:
I'm sorry that us models made you feel bad about yourself and throw up.

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Suck on this, Devin Hester

OK, so I just spent the last hour playing Madden 2007 as myself. Guess what? I completely fucking dominated. Think Hester the Molester could do this? Guy doesn't even have a real position. "Look at me, I'm Devin Hester, I can run back kicks and punts but I can't play corner for shit."

Bloom Productions, y'all. Mad video editing skills by the Bloominator.

If it's in the game, it's in the ass

OK, the Hester 100 rating is really pissing me off. I just did 10,000 crunches to relieve the stress but it didn't work. Oh well, all the better for my kick-ass abs.

Thinking of suing EA Sports if I don't get at least a 100 speed rating. Otherwise, it's just soiling my good name.

Devin Hester can bite me.

Just read that Devin Hester is going to be given a speed rating of 100 in the next Madden game. That's all well and good provided they give me a rating of 150! Please, I've run with Devin Hester. Backwards, eating a sandwich, waxing my skis, and I still beat him in the 40. Can Devin Hester be a model? Hey, that just made me laugh out loud. Can he ski in extreme ways? Wow, it's hard to type and laugh at the same time.

23. What does Hester's number remind me of again? Oh yeah, my best time in the 40.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Just as I thought.

No WR picked by the Eagles in the draft this year. The Eagles also didn't resign Donte Stallworth. Anyone else seeing a pattern?

A little background on me

I have always been a world-class anything. I grew up in Colorado where I basically just excelled. Period. Skiing. Football. Being a kick-ass human being. Anyway, I played college football at the University of Colorado. I scored every time I touched the ball -- as expected. Then, the NCAA (Not Cool Association of Anything) said I couldn't play football anymore because I accepted sponsorship money to continue my world-dominating skiing career.

So, naturally, I gathered all the best lawyers on planet Earth to bring the NCAA (Non-Cool Arrogant A-holes) to their collective knees. I lost. Conspiracy? Well, let me ask you: Heard of the JFK assassination? Area 51? Nothing compared to my case.

Well, I went on my way. Became a model. Skied in the Olympics. I injured my hamstring. Whatever. I still call bullshit on that one. I'm still trying to figure out how that gold medal was kept from me. Thinking of suing.

Then, I just trotted over the to NFL combine and blazed through the workouts. I held back. I had to. Can you imagine what would have happened if I didn't? #1 overall pick, yo. I held back on the trip there. I wanted to swim or ski there. My abs would have done most of the work anyway. My abs have their own agent. More on that in another post. I purposely pulled up in the 40. Seriously, breaking the 4 second mark would have just embarrassed a lot of people and I'm not one to toot my own horn (beep beep).

Result: The Eagles drafted me...I sat out (their idea, not mine) and the 2007 season will be my first. The NFL draft is this weekend. Through three rounds the Eagles have not drafted a WR or return specialist. No need.

Friday, April 27, 2007


Welcome to my blog. I'm Jeremy Bloom. You may know me as a football star. Perhaps as a world-class skier? Oh, you know me as the model, Jeremy Bloom. Anyway, I'm all of the above. I am currently a receiver/return-specialist/model for the Philadelphia Eagles. I spent the 2006 season on Injured Reserve due to a hamstring injury which was total crap because I can heal myself at will. The Eagle top-brass didn't see it that way. Whatever.