Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Relaxing at Camp.

Got a little downtime after all of the interviews and practices that basically have been confirming what we have known all along. I'm kick-ass awesome.

I have been playing NCAA 2008 on the XBOX 360. Awesome game.

There's a campus legend game. I played that first, and looked around to find me in the game. I was then told that I would have to create myself in the game first, which is just bullshit. Fine. I created myself and played the high school tournament. I won the state title and became a five-star recruit. Every school offered me a scholarship. I chose Colorado because I always wanted to finish my time there (fuck you, NCAA, for not letting me accept money on the side while I played football. Fascists.) It was bittersweet, really. There I was in the game, kicking ass like we all remember. I felt a single tear roll down my high cheekbone.

I switched to Dynasty Mode where you could create a prospect. I created myself and, again, I'm being recruited hardcore. I'm the #1 prospect in the game. I've been playing as CU, and now I'm recruiting myself! Oh, the irony! What pitch should I use on myself? "J-Bloom, you kick ass, would you come to play for CU? You can have any girl on campus, and we will let you be a model in your spare time. Yes, you may accept money to pay for your Olympic endeavors. Of course, we will erect a statue to you outside of Folsom Field. Wait, what's that? OK, we'll call it Folsom Field at Bloom Stadium. Done and done."

Now, of course, those aren't actual pitches you can use, but those were the ones promised to me when I was really being recruited. (Lawsuit still pending).

The one thing I won't do is import myself into Madden after I graduate. I mean, I'm already in Madden 2008. Could you imagine two J-Bloom's in one game? Too powerful for any video game processor. Unfair competitive advantage. Oh well, guess I'll just have to dominate the NFL for real. In real life, yo.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Sweet Fancy Moses!

Dammit I fucking rule.

Jeremy Bloom can play. It is time to take him seriously.

Oh, just a little article about me on

After just a weekend at camp.

I am the best receiver.

Is their still time to vote for me for the 75th Anniversary All-Time Eagles Team?


Time To Say It: Bloom Is A Football Player

With every route he runs and every catch he makes and every lap he runs after practice, Jeremy Bloom takes another step toward erasing the doubts. He is a football player now, full fledged, and the idea that Bloom is a Jeremy-come-lately to the game, a crossover athlete more suited to a pin-up poster than a sharp "out" pattern is fading, fading gone.

Now, I know this could be construed in some circles as early-training camp poppycock. It was hot as a deep-Southern kitchen on Saturday afternoon at Lehigh University, so maybe the sultry day got to me a little bit. But I don't think so. I think what I've seen since the spring, even before that, is legitimate.

Jeremy Bloom can play.

He has come a long way since last year, when the curiosity factor with Bloom was high. A world-class skiing career over, Bloom hastily joined the ranks of NFL wannabes when he took part in the Combine, ran well enough to be taken seriously and then was drafted by the Eagles in the fifth round last April.

After that? Bloom couldn't get his body right all spring and summer. He was a skier trying to navigate the most difficult of moguls in a world of grown men who had been playing the game their whole lives. Who did Bloom think he was, having not played for two full seasons, looking to dent the roster of a team that would win 10 games and capture the NFC East and then advance two rounds deep into the playoffs?

"I've always loved football, even when I was skiing," he said. "I would have continued playing at Colorado if the NCAA permitted. Rules are rules. I didn't agree with it, but I pursued my Olympic dream. Coming to the Eagles was a great opportunity, but it takes time to get the body right again. Last year was a learning experience in a lot of ways."

This Bloom is a totally different person, a totally different player. He starred throughout the spring and he stood out – heads and shoulders among the receivers – on Saturday. Given the picture in front of Bloom, it is certainly much more plausible to think he will have a chance to impact the Eagles this year as a return man and even – and it is wayyyy early to say this, but I will anyway – as part of packages in the offense as a receiver.

What separates Bloom from the pack at this point is his quickness. He is startling quick, with a burst that is completely legitimate. Bloom is the team's leading candidate to return punts and kickoffs and if he continues to progress at wide receiver, he could have a role there, too.

In the past year, Bloom has rebuilt his body and re-trained his muscles. He ran a 4.49 at the Combine and now thinks he is down in the high 4.2's or low 4.3's now. He is stronger, more physically prepared for the rigors of the NFL game. All of the technical things, the footwork and the hand placements and the instincts, they have returned. His bench press has increased from 285 pounds to 315 pounds.

Mentally? No comparison. He understands the concepts of the offense, and he has studied route running thoroughly although Bloom readily admits that he has a long, long way to go to get to where he wants to be on the field.

"I'm not where I was last year, for sure, but I don't think I'm anywhere close to where I want to be, or where I know I can be," said Bloom. "I feel I have a lot to improve on. I'm happy with where I'm at, and the year I put in, all the work I did, has paid off. I'm prepared for this. I'm much more comfortable on the field.

"I am far from relaxing. This is day one. We have a long way to go."

Bloom stood out on several occasions on Saturday. He ran a couple of option routes over the middle and froze linebacker Stewart Bradley in his tracks. Bradley actually showed a lot of athletic ability on the play, hanging with Bloom on a shallow crossing route, but once Bloom gave him the shake and bake, a stutter step to the right and then a move back to the left, Bradley was in the dust. Any linebacker would be wasted on that play. That is how quick Bloom is. That is how much of a mismatch it is to have him in space.

In the afternoon, Bloom was on the receiving end of a perfect pass from Kevin Kolb. Bloom ran a 'go' route against cornerback Nick Graham, who was off in coverage. Graham tried to force Bloom off his route, but Bloom stayed true and blew past Graham, hauled in Kolb's throw and the crowd at Lehigh University erupted.

There are certainly no guarantees here. Bloom has to stay healthy and he has to convince the coaching staff that he can be trusted in the return game. The young man is suddenly "the guy" with Bethel Johnson now in Houston with the Texans. The Eagles are looking at others in the return scenario, but Bloom is the one they hope rises.

Next up for Bloom is contact. He will see it at wide receiver next week, his first substantive contact since his collegiate days. Last year, Bloom was healthy for only a handful of practices and saw limited time in the preseason against Baltimore.

"I know what it's like to get hit," said Bloom. "I know how I will react to it. It's part of the game. I'm looking forward to it. Every day brings something new and that is exciting for me.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

I'm on the Hot-Seat?

I reported to training camp today. This is what I find taped to my pillow in my room.

Wide receiver/kick returner Jeremy Bloom

When’s the last time you were excited to see the Eagles return a kick? Probably not since J.R. Reed was the return man, and that was three seasons ago.

If Brian Westbrook or Lito Sheppard stood back there, you just didn’t want them to get hurt.

The Eagles haven’t returned a punt for a touchdown since 2003 (Westbrook, 81 yards vs. San Francisco). They haven’t returned a kickoff for a touchdown since 2001 (Brian Mitchell, 94 yards, at Arizona).

Will Bloom change that?

Umm, yes, I'll change that. Oh, and I'm getting a little pissed that these things are being slipped my way. What's a hot-seat? Is this reporter saying that I have a hot ass? Well, that's true, but this Eagle doesn't fly that way, pal. This reporter gets the gas face.

The Eagles turned down my demand to have my lawyer and agent room with me at camp. Fuckers.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Training camp begins tomorrow.

I've been doing crunches all day just to get a head start.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

NFC East preview continued: The Foreskins.

Well, we have Jason Campbell at QB. Wait...who? Exactly. This guy gets a lot of hype. Then again, so did Andrew Walter.

Clinton Portis. He's awesome when he isn't hurt. Too bad that's never the case.

Antwaan Randle El and Santana Moss. Yeah. More hype. Big show...no results.

Sean Taylor. Isn't he in jail?

Joe Gibbs. The game has passed you by old man.

As you can see, this is an easy season sweep for The Eagles and Jeremy Bloom. Man, where's the competition?

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

NFC East preview continued: The Giants.

Ah yes, the G-men. How can I break down this team of underachievers?

Eli Manning: The "other" Manning. Also known as "Mr. Inconsistency, "Peyton Manning's less tealented brother." Bears a striking resemblence to Sloth from The Goonies.

Tiki Barber: Oh, right, this guy quit on his team in the prime of his career.

Plexiglass Burress: An inconsistent player for an inconsisten team. Perfect.

Michael Strahan: See an Orthodontist, big guy.

It will be J-Bloom's pleasure to run back several punts for TD's against these fools.

Eagles win series 2-0. I emulate the jump-shot celebration after each win.

Monday, July 16, 2007

A look at the NFC East. First - The Cowgirls.

The Dallas Cowgirls. How overrated could one team get? Tony Romo? Anybody would be an upgrade over Drew Bledsoe.

Julius Jones and Marion Barber will fight it out for the RB spot. Yeah, it's as boring as it sounds.

T.O., where do I start? Thanks, Dallas, for taking our table-scraps. Good to know you have T.O. on your team isn't it? After all, he was SUCH a difference-maker for y'all last year.

Oh, and nice hold, Romo. Could be the biggest choke-job since the Miracle at the Meadowlands. Then there's Martin Gramatica putting on a blocking clinic as Romo runs for his life. Seriously? Martin Gramatica? What, wasn't George Blanda available for a try-out?

Eagles sweep the Cowgirls this year. No-brainer.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Another one bites the dust.

Later, Bethel Johnson. Have fun in Houston. I'll just be here returning kicks and punts for touchdowns every Sunday.

Yeah, the return job was always mine, but the Eagles made it official by cutting Bethel Johnson. Johnson signed with Houston. Does Houston even have a team? Who cares.

Does that mean that Johnson is off my "Ball-Boy" jersey list? Hell, no. No one is above suspicion. No one is above the law. Except me....and Steven Seagall. We are above the law. That's awesome-sounding, isn't it? Damn, I rock.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

You heard it here first.

All the time, I hear "J-Bloom, how much ass are you going to kick this year? What are your goals? What's your prediction for the season?"

Well, as much as I love to be humble, when it comes to what I know I can achieve -- I know the numbers are going to be off the hook!"

Returns for TD's: At least 7. Maybe 10. Combo of kickoff and punt returns.

Catches: Pretty sure I'm going to become Donovan's favorite target. You're looking at 50 catches minimum.

TD's: Other than returns? Well, I'm doing the math here, all factors considered, 12-15.

Intangibles: 25-50 special team tackles. 3 blocked punts. 2 rushes for 150 yards (both TD's) An interception or 2. Thousands of broken hearts (hello ladies).

As a team, welcome back to the promised land, Philly. Championship time. I figure we beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl. Easily. I get named MVP and finally get a forum to tell the NCAA to kiss my beautiful ass.

I'll get named Rookie of the Year. Yes, in my second year. My lawyers found a loophole that will make me eligible for that award.

See you all at mini-camp! (I can't sign anything there without my lawyers being present. They are always present, so I reserve the right to refuse signing an item. I need to concentrate on my craft. OK, let's just call it for what it is -- I'm not signing anything. Don't bother asking me. Except boobs. I will always sign a girls boobs. But you can't be old, ugly, have bad hair, skin, make-up, tone of voice, and so on. You have to be hot. I mean Bloom-hot. So, there's not many of you. But I'll sign your boobs if you meet the above qualifications. Even real boobs provided they aren't nasty saggy ones. They have to be high and tight. Big, small, it doesn't matter. OK, they have to be big. Not too big. Maybe 36-38 D-DD. OK, 36-DD. Those I'll sign. Easy enough? Cool. Peace.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

How ya like me now?

Still single, ladies. Peace.