Friday, August 31, 2007

The Rocky Mountain Showdown. It's ON!

People in Colorado know what I'm talking about. This is the game where the Buffs beat the holy hell out of the Colorado State Rams. Seriously, the Rams are a good team. A good HIGH SCHOOL team. Have you seen their schedule this year? The play the International Lighthouse for the Blind. CU plays Florida State.

Hopefully, I'll be able to get there. You know, make an appearance. Let the girls know I'm there.

Game vs. Jets just a formality

Did you see me? I am so on this team. Got my Eagle on last night against the Jets. Broken toe? No problem? Not 6 feet tall? So what? At last preseason is over and I can kick back. Let the checks from Eagles headquarters just roll in.

A 9.7-yard average on three punts, a 22.7-yard average on three kickoffs.

Caught a pass for 12 yards.

Broken toe.

I love the NFL. I love myself. Going to be great being an Eagle this year.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Game time

Tonight is the final preseason game against the Jets. I am already assured a roster spot. I have the entire city of Philadelphia behind me. No fair catches tonight. Only north-south running and TD's, baby. Like mogul skiing except no bumps and I'm carrying a football and there's no snow and people are trying to tackle me. Word.

So, I've been suited up for the last 15 hours. I'm ready. The Jets are going to take a beating courtesy of J-Bloom.

Screw the NCAA
Screw Devin Hester
Screw the Colorado State Rams (GO CU!)

Screw all of the haters out there. I am making a name for myself tonight.

P.S. I am not on the bubble. I am assured a roster spot. This is only a formality. Again, I am on the team.

Really, there is NO chance of me being cut. Nada. Zip. None.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007


So, now I'm being criticized for my returns. Figures. Hey, here's a novel idea....can I get someone to fucking block for me?

After the Eagles' sloppy 27-13 preseason loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers on Sunday at Heinz Field, Reid was asked to evaluate Jeremy Bloom's return work in the team's first three preseason games.

"He's done just OK," the coach said.

If by OK, you mean kick-ass, then yes I've done OK.

Bloom, a second-year player who spent all of last season on injured reserve with a hamstring injury, has returned seven punts for 49 yards in the three exhibition games. That's a 7-yard average, a figure that would have ranked 27th in the NFL a year ago.

The kick returns haven't been any better. Bloom has returned nine for 176 yards, a 19.6-yard average. That figure would have ranked 35th in the league last season. Bloom's longest return has been for 26 yards.

Here was my response to this -
"I think there's been some good and there have been some things I'd like to improve on," Bloom said after Sunday's game. "No scores and no real long returns. It's important that we play better, and it starts with me as the returner, because I'm like the quarterback of the offense to an extent. I always have the ball in my hand. We have a lot of room to improve in our return game."

Got that? I am the quarterback!!! Not McNabb. Not Kolb. Me. J-Bloom. I, Philadelphia fans, am your quarterback!!! Oh, and when I get the ball, it's like a 2-minute drill each time. Here's the thing. As much as you all think I can, I can't do it alone. I saw four guys walking off the field when I was returning a kick against the Steelers. Hello! I need you guys to block for me!!!

Plus, my toe hurts. It really hurts.

Here's what I said about it:
"It's been painful, but I knew that was going to be the case," Bloom said. "You also have to remember that it's the preseason and we have a different group out there all the time. We're rotating every position, so it's never that core group. But that's not an excuse for a lack of production."

Translation? I have scrubs blocking for me. Thanks for nothing.

When this preseason started, Bloom had a job to lose as the Eagles' returner. He hasn't lost it, but with one preseason game left, he hasn't exactly secured it, either.

Secure this.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Top 10 fastest receivers?

According to Sports Illustrated, anyway. Notice anything? Yeah, I'm not on the list. Here's my take on it.

1. Devin Hester
This guy is a true thorn in my side. WR? I thought he was still a horrible CB. Fuck him. I'm faster.

2. Ted Ginn, Jr.
Did you hear all those boos on draft day, Ted? Can't run away from those.

3. Santana Moss
I'm faster.

4. Troy Williamson
Yep. I'm faster.

5. Lee Evans
This just in: I'm faster than you.

6. Roy Williams
Ha Ha! You play form the Lions! Oh, yeah, and I'm faster.

7. Steve Smith
My mentor. Awesome dude. Can't say enough good things about him. P.S. I'm faster.

8. Calvin Johnson
Another dude from the Lions? Fast? Well, he had better be because he's going to be chasing down a lot of DB's after Kitna throws his usual 5 picks per game.

9. Bernard Berrian
How would we know if this guy is fast? Grossman fumbles the snap before any of his receivers can get 5 yards out of their route.

10. Donte' Stallworth
If Donte' was so fast, why is he no longer an Eagle - and I am? Answer: I'M FUCKING FASTER!

Friday, August 17, 2007

Now, that's better.

So, looks like EA got scared because I'm in the game now. It took an online update, but there I was. Best looking guy in the game.

My overall rating was a 58. 58? I was thinking 90, minimum.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Oh, for fuck's sake...

So, yesterday was the big Madden 2008 release. It's still, hands-down, the best football video-game franchise ever. I looked in my mailbox for the free copy I figured EA would send me. Wasn't there. Oh well, I thought, I'll just have to pick mine up at a store and send EA the bill.

I went to a Best Buy. I wore sunglasses and a hat so I wouldn't get mobbed by fans. Worked like a charm. Checked out the music section first. Still no new 3rd Bass album. I keep hearing Kris Kross is going to cut a new record. Damn that would be da bomb if that were true.

OK, so I get to the video games and pick up a copy for my 360 (I have all of the systems, but I like madden on the 360) I notice small kid staring at me. Crap, I thought, I've been nabbed. Quickly I look up in the air like I hear a helicopter landing on the roof or something - you know, acting all sly like I don't know I'm being stared at.

"Excuse me," says the little kid. Damn, he's good. Must be a big fan.

"No hablo ingles. Just messing with you. Hey, little fella, what's up?" You have to be good to the fans. The little people.

"Do you like Jeremy Bloom?" he asks.

"What's that? Who? OH, you mean that amazingly good looking, world-class athlete, man-about-town? He rules the ski slopes -- is about to conquer the NFL? Yeah he's fucking awesome....shit, I mean he's really cool."

(Dammit, stop swearing in front of kids! This one couldn't be helped. I was talking about myself, for fucks sake.)

"Well, yeah, I like him why do you ask?"

"You're wearing his jersey."

"Well, sonny, there would be a good reason for that."

"Yeah, you're the Eagles Ball-Boy."

" old are you, kid?"

"Thirteen. How old are you? How did you get to be the Eagles Ball-Boy? I'd love that job!"

"Kid," obviously a mistake, I take off my sunglasses. Two women faint in the distance. "I'm Jeremy Bloom."

"But I'm taller than you."

"Jesus-Fucking-Christ!!!! I'm Jeremy Bloom!!!"


"OK, that's it, we're racing. Parking lot. NOW!"

Long-story short, I smoked the little fucker in the parking lot of a Best Buy. I got back to my room. Put the game on.

I AM NOT IN THE FUCKING GAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, EA, it's on. Expect to be served. I have called my agent, the agent for my abs, all 16 of my lawyers, and we are wicked pissed at you. I expect to be in the game by week's end. End of story.

Adversity only makes me stronger. Now the workout will include an extra 20,000 crunches. I am going to score an extra ten touchdowns this year. That's how pissed I am.

I am not the fucking ball-boy.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Did you see me on TV?

Kickoff returns:
5 for an avg of 21.6 yards. That's over a 20-yard average!

Punt Returns:
2 for a 14.5 yard avg. Hello. That would be leading the league if that were the last game.

2 for 16 yards. Oh, yeah. I can catch, too.

Did y'all see that d-bag Ravens player jawing with me after a kickoff return? Well, then you also saw me stare him down with my steel-blue eyes. I swear he said "Ball-Boy" to me.

OK, so I had to get my toe x-rayed during the game. I'll be honest with you. It was broken. Shattered. While they were getting the x-ray ready, I healed my toe with the power of my mind. X-rays: negative. BOOYAH!

Yes, I called a fair-catch. Well, three. So fucking sue me. But before you do, know that I will counter sue any of you that try to interrupt my ability to make a living. Fuck you, NCAA.

Excellent 2007 debut by J-Bloom. Going to pick up Madden 2008 today. I had better have a 100 rating for my speed and agility god dammit.

Monday, August 13, 2007

First Preseason game: Time for me to fly.

Sorry for lack of posts. Camp has been fine. I have to sign autographs for a minimum 2 hours before I can get back to my room. It's all I can do to eat, do 10,000 crunches, call my agent, and get a solid ten hours sleep.

Anyway, finally, we have a game against the Ravens tonight. How many touchdowns do you think I'll score? I'm thinking two.