I have a short-list of those I suspect put the "BALL-BOY" jersey in my locker.
The NCAA
Donovan McNabb
Andy Reid
Brian Dawkins
Bethel Johnson
Devin Hester
Vince Papaya
Mark Wahlberg
I may or may not have someone working undercover for me to solve this mystery. It's like in the movie "The Departed."
Maybe.
Maybe Not.
Maybe Fuck Yourself.
When I did my Playboy interview, they asked me a very strange, but not unexpected, question. They asked me if I wanted to pose nude for them! I was like, whoa, are you kidding? Isn't this the place where the ladies show the goods? "Well," they said, "it would be a new ditrection for us, but you, Jeremy Bloom, are THAT beautiful."
I thought, well, I AM a trailblazer, and I am THAT beautiful. It would probably be the best-selling issue ever. Still, on the advice of my team of lawyers, I declined the offer.
Like Paris Hilton, I also have a standing offer to pose nude for Playboy. Thanks, Hef.
Some asswipe hung this up in my locker. I wish I could have caught them doing it. It would have been worth them doing it just so I could have caught them doing it! Someone's ass is grass.
This article was taped to my locker yesterday.
Five things we learned from minicamp
by Les Bowen
1. Fewer than 7 months after ACL surgery, Donovan McNabb can drop back and throw a pass without his right knee swelling up or falling off.
2. In short pants and wearing no pads, Jeremy Bloom absolutely looks like one of the ballboys. But he runs much faster than they do, and he seems to be able to catch a thrown or kicked football pretty well.
3. Untested strongside linebacker Chris Gocong still hasn't tackled anybody, but he has shown strong mastery of Jim Johnson's defense, enough to allow Johnson to sleep through the night between now and Lehigh.
4. Rookie running back Tony Hunt looks pretty darned good. But then again, so does Correll Buckhalter, the guy Hunt figures to be fighting with for the half-dozen or so touches Brian Westbrook doesn't get.
5. Jevon Kearse needs to spend the next 6 weeks eating, so when camp arrives, he'll no longer look like a really tall Kenyan distance runner.
I looked around the Eagles locker room, asking if anyone knew who taped this to my locker. I gave my meanest, yet still model-like, looks to my teammates all day. I'm betting it was Donovan just trying to rile me a little.
Here's the rest of the countdown because I know you can't wait any longer.
9. Jon Stewart
Born: 1962
Height: 5'7" (counting the hair)
Claim to fame: Fake news godfather.
I don't pay attention to the news. Even fake news (unless it's about me.)
8. Martin Scorsese
Born: 1942
Height: 5'4"
Claims to fame: Cinema superdirector. Nipple-high to Leonardo DiCaprio.
This is the gangster movie guy. Godfather 3 was a disgrace. Not awesome.
7. Yoda
Born: 900 BSD (Before Senate Dissolved)
Height: 2'2"
Claim to fame: Leader of Jedi he is!
Why is Yoda cool-looking in Episodes 2 and 3, but he's just a cheap K-Mart puppet in Episode 1? That's not awesome.
6. Yuri Gagarin
1934–1968
Height: 5'2"
Claims to fame: First man in space. Teddy-bear-size Cold War mascot.
I don't watch wrestling.
5. Napoleon Bonaparte
1769–1821
Height: 5'4"
Claim to fame: French emperor (considered prestigious at the time).
I liked the movie, but the ending just wasn't believable. The kids still would have voted for Summer Wheatley.
4. Naim Suleymanoglu
Born: 1967
Height: 4'11"
Claim to fame: Olympic weightlifting champ, a.k.a. “Pocket Hercules.”
Note to self: Have lawyer put a trademark on "Pocket Hercules."
3. Spud Webb
Born: 1963
Height: 5'7"
Claim to fame: Won the 1986 NBA Slam Dunk contest with a cannonball-like reverse ka-pow.
I tried that dunk in high-school. Could it have been any easier?
2. Angus Young
Born: 1955
Height: 5'2"
Claim to fame: Satan’s guitarist.
Close but no cigar. If this is Satan's guitarist then I am the Frontman of Evil.
1. Jeremy Bloom
Born: 1982
Height: 5'9 and 7/8 inches"
Claim to fame: Please....
The Bloominator wins again.
Who gets the Gas Face?
The NCAA
Devin Hester
Nebraska Cornhuskers
Colorado State Rams.
Kick 'em in the grill, Pete!
14. Ronnie James Dio
Born: 1942 (year unconfirmed)
Height: 5'4"
Claims to fame: Replaced Ozzy in Black Sabbath. Claims to have invented metal’s franchise “devil horns” hand sign.
I invented those Devil horns! Good thing my lawyer is on speed-dial.
13. Pat Morita
Born: 1932
Height: 5'3"
Claim to fame: Ultimate movie sensei.
Please. I got your "crane techique" right here.
12. Diego Maradona
Born: 1960
Height: 5'5"
Claims to fame: Soccer god. Cheating cunt.
Diego is a coke-head. Definitely not awesome. I do not poison my body in the world I live in.
11. James Madison
1751–1836
Height: 5'4"
Claims to fame: Shortest commander in chief ever. Wrote most of the Constitution.
Kind of awesome. He makes a good beer, too.
10. The Hobbits
Heights: Elijah Wood (a.k.a. Frodo): 5'6"; Sean Astin (a.k.a. Sam): 5'6"; J.R.R. Tolkien (Hobbit honcho, 1892–1973): 5'5"
Claim to fame: Biggest geek heroes of all time.
I'm not even so sure that Hobbits are real.
20. Prince
Born: 1958
Height: 5'2"
Claims to fame: Only pop artist who can sing about female “self-service,” strut around in a purple suit half his life, and still be considered the Man.
Wait, are they talking about me here?
19. Bruce Lee
1940–1973
Height: 5'7"
Claim to fame: Passive-aggressive ass-kicker brought martial arts to the round-eye.
Wax-on, wax-off. Paint the fence. Sand the floor. Kiss my ass.
18. Jeff Gordon
Born: 1971
Height: 5'7"
Claim to fame: Cali golden boy showed NASCAR’s cracker power base how to win their own races.
Slow, short guy who needs big car to make him fast. Me? Just my own two legs, baby.
17. David Eckstein
Born: 1975
Height: 5'7"
Claim to fame: St. Louis Cardinals shortstop (seriously!) looks like a five-year-old but owns World Series jewelry.
Oh, come on. This one is made up, right?
16. T. E. Lawrence
1888–1935
Height: 5'5"
Claims to fame: Helped liberate the Middle East from colonial oppressors. Set up awesome countries like Iraq. (Thanks!)
Iraq is not awesome, and neither is this guy.
15. David Ben-Gurion
1886–1973
Height: 5'0"
Claim to fame: Founder of the State of Israel.
Can I sue Maxim for boring me to death with this list? I'll give it a shot.
Here are the top 25 all-time-most-awesome small dudes as composed by Maxim magazine but perfected by yours truly.
25. Doug Flutie
Born: 1962
Height: 5'10"
Claims to fame: Uncorked “the Pass” to beat the evil Miami Hurricanes in 1984. Pro all-star in two different leagues—if you count the CFL.
Flutie Flakes is pretty awesome. Seriously though -- a dropkick? Do I honestly have to explain why I am more awesome?
24. Ross Perot
Born: 1930
Height: 5'7"
Claims to fame: Two folksy/bizarre runs for president. Richer than your entire family tree.
Did he become President? Case closed.
23. John Keats
1795–1821
Height: 5'0"
Claim to fame: Pale poet discovered the power of art—it makes women overlook your complete lack of brawn.
WHO???
22. Ron Jeremy
Born: 1953
Height: 5'6"
Claim to fame: Hardest-working man in porn, claims a résumé about 5,000 women long!
Most awesome Jeremy not named Bloom. (I'm closing in on 8,000, just so you know.)
21. Kurt Cobain
1967–1994
Height: 5'7"
Claims to fame: Leader of Nirvana. Married Earth’s most obnoxious woman.
When was that? 1991? I can think of two more awesome short guys from that year. Names are Kris and Kross. I was like 5 years old and still more awesome.
Almost time for my next workout. To be continued...
So, the guys on the team just told me that you actually do score fantasy football using yards gained and touchdowns and all of that. Yeah, well, you should still draft me because I am that good. I have that much "upside." I am that good-looking. My abs...ahh fuck....
OK, whatever, you can't score points in fantasy football for being good-looking. Dammit. Brian Dawkins had better not come over the middle against me - that's all I can say.
Seriously though, I am that god-damned good-looking.
So, I found out that Mitchell and Ness have produced a jersey based on that Vince Papaya guy from the movie Invincible. OK, again, since that's really my story, now both Disney and Mitchell and Ness are in some serious legal trouble.
I'll let you in on a secret. OK, it's not really a secret. I'm the best-looking Philadephia Eagle...ever.
Anyway, back on topic, who loves fantasy football? I don't know how to play because I play the actual game. Still, I hear it's popular with the common man. So - here's the dealio. You should draft me. Period. High draft pick. Do you want to win? If you don't, then don't draft me. That simple.
Who is a bigger fantasy stud than me? I have overcome all the odds. Olympics. Done. College ball? So good they made me stop playing. Looks? So, as I understand it, you earn points based on how many things make you a stud in someone's fantasy. Looks, charisma, charm, abs -- I've got it all. Just imagine if you could earn fantasy "points" or whatever, based on things liked yards gained and touchdowns.
Oh yeah, another article all about me.
Bloom got a lot of face time after last year's draft because he was just a few months removed from his freestyle skiing experience at the Olympics in Torino, and in part because he'd done some modeling.
That version of himself is gone, he said. Bloom has reshaped his body into an improvement on the one that suited up for the Buffaloes in college, and he didn't hit the slopes last winter.
Anyone who doesn't look at him and think "football player,' he said, doesn't know him that well.
"I don't think I called a fair catch once in Colorado. It's not the way I play," he said. "And the special teams coach here emphasizes the fact that you have to call some fair catches. In this league it's a little bit different, but it's just not the way I play the game."
His recent upturn in prospects isn't likely to round off his edge.
"When you're No. 1 in the world in skiing, or you're at the top of the depth chart, you have to work harder," he said.
Honestly, I don't even know how to call for a fair catch. Coaches have explained it to me, but I only pretended to listen. So, I never called them. And I NEVER will. I AM NUMBER ONE and I work fucking hard. Fair catch? Yeah, I got your fair catch right here.
I am Jeremy-Fucking-Bloom.
The Eagles yesterday cut kick returner/wide receiver Bethel Johnson due to his inability to pass a physical after sustaining a stress fracture in his leg during a workout prior to the team's post-draft minicamp in May. However, team sources said yesterday the plan is to turn around and re-sign Johnson at some point so he can compete with Jeremy Bloom for the job of returning punts and kickoffs.
I don't see the point here. No competition as far as I'm concerned. Anyway, not sure who the team sources are but when I find out there will be hell to pay. Bloom-style.
So, here's a little piece of news I found out today.
-- The Eagles cut wide receiver/kick returner Bethel Johnson after he failed his physical.
Guess that makes me the one and only choice for KR/PR now doesn't it? Oh, and look at me flying (Eagle-style) up the WR depth chart. This season is just going to be epic for me.
I heard Beth(el) had a major panic attack when he found out I was his competition. That's how he "failed" the physical.
Well, would you look at that, Devin Hester is switching to offense. Know why? Because he is the ultimate offensive weapon? No, that would be me. It's because he is pretty much the worst defensive back ever known in the history of the NFL. Seriously. I'm going to petition to play both ways for the Eagles.
I can just hear it now:
"McNabb to Bloom -- Touchdown!! That's their fourth-scoring hookup of the day!"
"Bloom gets the kickoff....untouched to the goal line! The city of brotherly love rejoices again!"
"Bloom with the interception and you know where this one is going, Eagles fans."
See you in hell, Devin Hester.
Total bullshit that I'm a Giant though. Whoever made this and signed me to the Giants (total fags) is going to get sued faster than I can run a 40.
Or you'll miss me! 4.49? Did you see me pull back a little? Also, look closely at the turf. Yeah, it is smoking behind me. Full speed would have burned the place to the ground. Oh, and check out my torn shirt. Watch out for the guns...they'll get ya.
I'm all over the Philly media. The city of brotherly love loves me. Click the title of this post to read the article devoted to me.
Know who else loves me? Carolina Panthers all-pro Steve Smith. In the article, I mention how Reno Mahe introduced me to Smith.
Mahe: "Hey, man, this is J-Bloom."
Smith: "Sorry, getting ready for the game. I'm not signing anything today." (Steve Smith is just hilarious in real-life, by the way.)
Anyway, long story short, Steve Smith has become a great mentor of mine. He sees the talent that I am. I am really just a better-looking version of his anyway. With more speed. Better abs, too. So.
Let's recap a little:
Hero: Pat Tillman
Mentor: Steve Smith
Douche-bag: Devin "One-Trick-Pony" Hester.
Jag-Offs: The NCAA.
Awesome: Jeremy Bloom.
OK, so me and a bunch of teammates got together last night for a little "bonding." Basically, a waste of time for me because that's just less time for me to work out. We're talking tens of THOUSANDS of crunches that I had to skip to be with these guys. Still, I know it's a big deal for them to be around me. Model, Olympic skier, football star, model, abs, all-around great guy. You know. Well, imagine you know.
So, we sit down to watch this movie called "Invincible." It's a movie, made by the fascists at Disney, about this guy named Vince Papaya, or Pepperoncini, whatever. Autobiographical story about a down-on-his-luck, screwed by the system, undersized yet awesome athlete that just shows up out of nowhere and becomes a special teams hero of the Philadelphia Eagles.
Yeah, no shit that sounds like me! Come on, if you are going to make a movie about my life, at least cover it up better next time. Let's examine it, shall we?
Vince Papaya is exceptionally fast. I am exceptionally fast.
Vince Papaya is small. Me? Big things come in small packages, sweetheart.
Vince Papaya is beloved by the community. I am a worldwide hero.
Vince Papaya scores the hottest ladies around. Oh, damn, this is just getting silly. Ladies of the world. From me to you: You're welcome. You know who you all are.
Fuck. Bloom is getting upset. OK, fine, Disney, don't cut me in on the huge paycheck you got with this movie based on my life. You'll hear from my lawyers.
Oh, and Marky Mark? See you in the Octagon, asshole. I threw out your Cd's, by the way. They sucked balls.
