Thursday, May 31, 2007

My trip to the White House.

Me and George W. are tight. I was there with the US Olympic ski team. The Prez was signing things right and left. I noticed he was having a difficult time signing things standing up. Went something like this:

G.W.-- "Sure, I can sign that for you. Man, it's hard to sign this standing up. I wish I had something solid to sign on though. Something rock-solid. Like granite, or steel."

He looks my way.

G.W. -- "Bloom, perfect. May I please use your back for a moment. I need your perfect back and shoulder muscles..."

"Say no more, George. Say no more."

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Guitar update

Oh yeah, I got that flamenco guitar I was talking about. I basically knew more about this thing than the guy on TV. He's like "what do you want to learn?" I'm like "You're the teacher, you tell me." Anyway, just add one more thing to the list of skills I've mastered. I'm going to be bringing my guitar to training camp. The guys will love it. Nothing football players love more than a little flamenco guitar. I rule.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

First mini-camp

Well, I breezed through the first mini-camp last weekend. Yeah, I'm basically the talk of the town.

Jeremy Bloom, KR/WR: He caught a zillion punts and handled them well. I thought Bloom also stepped up as a wide receiver. Can he release off the line of scrimmage, though? I see him as a man in motion a lot, and the Eagles need to see him with the ball in his hands. I like his quicks.

I like my "quicks" too. Yes, I can release off the line of scrimmage. I may sue that guy for even thinking I can't.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Lunchables are awesome

Is there a more perfect food than Lunchables? I really like that cool mustard dispenser thing that you fold in half and mustard comes out, you know? Then you get a minty chocolate to top it off! The only thing that could possibly make it better is if they could somehow put all of that good stuff into a Hot Pocket. I don't know how it would work exactly, but it would be kick-ass that's for sure.

But Jeremy -- how could you possibly eat that stuff and still be a world-class athlete? Working out non-stop?

Two words, my friends: Power Juicer.

Sunday, May 6, 2007

I'm going to learn Flamenco guitar!

My Saturday night workout lasted until 3am. So, I'm kickin' back and thinking about my next workout when I see this commercial for a guitar master named Esteban. Basically, this guy is a Flamenco guitar master.

I'm on this offer like stink on a monkey! My teammates are going to freak out when they know I can also play guitar like a freakin' master. Seriously, how can you beat this offer? I wonder how if I can get one of those Bolero hats? Anyway, when I get the guitar, I'll write about it. It'll kick ass. Should be no problem to learn. I so fucking rock.

Friday, May 4, 2007

Pat Tillman is my hero.

I've gone on record many times saying that Pat Tillman is my hero. That guy was a bad-ass. Plus, the similarities between the two of us are just plain spooky.

We both went to a major college.

We were both kick-ass college players.

Pat was a handsome man. Me? Well, you know...

We both made it to the NFL.

Pat Tillman left his NFL career to valiantly serve his country. The guy gave up millions to become an Army Ranger. He wouldn't give any interviews and he shunned all publicity. He basically just wanted to be a soldier and he felt he deserved no special treatment. Sadly, he died due to "friendly" fire. I have an agent that represents my abs and I sued the NCAA and became a model.

See? Spooky-similar isn't it? We all need heroes, kids. (If you want me to be your hero, you should probably let one of my agents know so we can avoid any possible future litigation.)

Thursday, May 3, 2007

Who the hell is Steve Van Buren?

OK, so my number in college was 15. That's how everyone knows me (especially all the goofs reading it on my back as they try to chase me down..touchdown Bloom! anyway...) Well, last year I'm getting fitted for all of my equipment (you know, getting my "Eagle" on.) and the balloon-head says this:

"#15 is retired, you can't have it."

"Yeah, good one, this is the rookie hazing I hear all about right?" This balloon-head just stares at me and points to a picture of some dinosaur on the wall wearing my number. "Steve Van Buren? Who the hell is that? Can I just get that 15 in a size 40? I need to call my agent."

The guy must not have heard me.

"Here you go." He hands me a jersey.

"#11? Try again, but this time, give me the '11' that says '15.' Gracias. (it's cool to be mulit-lingual.)

"Look, Steve Van Buren is in the Hall of Fame. One of the most famed Eagles of all time. Take the 11 and beat it."

Now, at this point, I'm expecting Ashton Kutcher to pop out from somewhwere. Damn, I think, I've been punk'd! Then, I realize that this guy is serious. I can't have 15. Apparently, Dick Van Patten was an actual player. Yeah, from when, 1895? I could see that this was going to take some serious doing.

"Well then, I guess we will have to unretire it, won't we?" My steel blue eyes are probably looking extra steely now.

Anyway, long story short, 11 is way cooler than 15. When they retire 11, who's going to look like an ass? Yeah, that Norm Van Patrick guy and the out-of-work equipment manager. Still thinking about suing the Eagles though. This is bull-crap.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Nothing like a good movie.

Got through with my 12 hour workout yesterday. Needed to unwind. Know what movie kicks serious ass? Zoolander. The laughter, alone, will give you a killer abdominal workout.

Words of wisdom for one Mr. Derek Zoolander:
I'm sorry that us models made you feel bad about yourself and throw up.

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Suck on this, Devin Hester

OK, so I just spent the last hour playing Madden 2007 as myself. Guess what? I completely fucking dominated. Think Hester the Molester could do this? Guy doesn't even have a real position. "Look at me, I'm Devin Hester, I can run back kicks and punts but I can't play corner for shit."

Bloom Productions, y'all. Mad video editing skills by the Bloominator.

If it's in the game, it's in the ass

OK, the Hester 100 rating is really pissing me off. I just did 10,000 crunches to relieve the stress but it didn't work. Oh well, all the better for my kick-ass abs.

Thinking of suing EA Sports if I don't get at least a 100 speed rating. Otherwise, it's just soiling my good name.

Devin Hester can bite me.

Just read that Devin Hester is going to be given a speed rating of 100 in the next Madden game. That's all well and good provided they give me a rating of 150! Please, I've run with Devin Hester. Backwards, eating a sandwich, waxing my skis, and I still beat him in the 40. Can Devin Hester be a model? Hey, that just made me laugh out loud. Can he ski in extreme ways? Wow, it's hard to type and laugh at the same time.

23. What does Hester's number remind me of again? Oh yeah, my best time in the 40.