You heard it here first.

All the time, I hear "J-Bloom, how much ass are you going to kick this year? What are your goals? What's your prediction for the season?"

Well, as much as I love to be humble, when it comes to what I know I can achieve -- I know the numbers are going to be off the hook!"

Returns for TD's: At least 7. Maybe 10. Combo of kickoff and punt returns.

Catches: Pretty sure I'm going to become Donovan's favorite target. You're looking at 50 catches minimum.

TD's: Other than returns? Well, I'm doing the math here, all factors considered, 12-15.

Intangibles: 25-50 special team tackles. 3 blocked punts. 2 rushes for 150 yards (both TD's) An interception or 2. Thousands of broken hearts (hello ladies).

As a team, welcome back to the promised land, Philly. Championship time. I figure we beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl. Easily. I get named MVP and finally get a forum to tell the NCAA to kiss my beautiful ass.

I'll get named Rookie of the Year. Yes, in my second year. My lawyers found a loophole that will make me eligible for that award.

See you all at mini-camp! (I can't sign anything there without my lawyers being present. They are always present, so I reserve the right to refuse signing an item. I need to concentrate on my craft. OK, let's just call it for what it is -- I'm not signing anything. Don't bother asking me. Except boobs. I will always sign a girls boobs. But you can't be old, ugly, have bad hair, skin, make-up, tone of voice, and so on. You have to be hot. I mean Bloom-hot. So, there's not many of you. But I'll sign your boobs if you meet the above qualifications. Even real boobs provided they aren't nasty saggy ones. They have to be high and tight. Big, small, it doesn't matter. OK, they have to be big. Not too big. Maybe 36-38 D-DD. OK, 36-DD. Those I'll sign. Easy enough? Cool. Peace.