Disney is just begging to be sued.

OK, so me and a bunch of teammates got together last night for a little "bonding." Basically, a waste of time for me because that's just less time for me to work out. We're talking tens of THOUSANDS of crunches that I had to skip to be with these guys. Still, I know it's a big deal for them to be around me. Model, Olympic skier, football star, model, abs, all-around great guy. You know. Well, imagine you know.

So, we sit down to watch this movie called "Invincible." It's a movie, made by the fascists at Disney, about this guy named Vince Papaya, or Pepperoncini, whatever. Autobiographical story about a down-on-his-luck, screwed by the system, undersized yet awesome athlete that just shows up out of nowhere and becomes a special teams hero of the Philadelphia Eagles.

Yeah, no shit that sounds like me! Come on, if you are going to make a movie about my life, at least cover it up better next time. Let's examine it, shall we?

Vince Papaya is exceptionally fast. I am exceptionally fast.

Vince Papaya is small. Me? Big things come in small packages, sweetheart.

Vince Papaya is beloved by the community. I am a worldwide hero.

Vince Papaya scores the hottest ladies around. Oh, damn, this is just getting silly. Ladies of the world. From me to you: You're welcome. You know who you all are.

Fuck. Bloom is getting upset. OK, fine, Disney, don't cut me in on the huge paycheck you got with this movie based on my life. You'll hear from my lawyers.

Oh, and Marky Mark? See you in the Octagon, asshole. I threw out your Cd's, by the way. They sucked balls.