Oh, for fuck's sake...

So, yesterday was the big Madden 2008 release. It's still, hands-down, the best football video-game franchise ever. I looked in my mailbox for the free copy I figured EA would send me. Wasn't there. Oh well, I thought, I'll just have to pick mine up at a store and send EA the bill.

I went to a Best Buy. I wore sunglasses and a hat so I wouldn't get mobbed by fans. Worked like a charm. Checked out the music section first. Still no new 3rd Bass album. I keep hearing Kris Kross is going to cut a new record. Damn that would be da bomb if that were true.

OK, so I get to the video games and pick up a copy for my 360 (I have all of the systems, but I like madden on the 360) I notice small kid staring at me. Crap, I thought, I've been nabbed. Quickly I look up in the air like I hear a helicopter landing on the roof or something - you know, acting all sly like I don't know I'm being stared at.

"Excuse me," says the little kid. Damn, he's good. Must be a big fan.

"No hablo ingles. Just messing with you. Hey, little fella, what's up?" You have to be good to the fans. The little people.

"Do you like Jeremy Bloom?" he asks.

"What's that? Who? OH, you mean that amazingly good looking, world-class athlete, man-about-town? He rules the ski slopes -- is about to conquer the NFL? Yeah he's fucking awesome....shit, I mean he's really cool."

(Dammit, stop swearing in front of kids! This one couldn't be helped. I was talking about myself, for fucks sake.)

"Well, yeah, I like him why do you ask?"

"You're wearing his jersey."

"Well, sonny, there would be a good reason for that."

"Yeah, you're the Eagles Ball-Boy."

".........how old are you, kid?"

"Thirteen. How old are you? How did you get to be the Eagles Ball-Boy? I'd love that job!"

"Kid," obviously a mistake, I take off my sunglasses. Two women faint in the distance. "I'm Jeremy Bloom."

"But I'm taller than you."

"Jesus-Fucking-Christ!!!! I'm Jeremy Bloom!!!"

"Wha...?"

"OK, that's it, we're racing. Parking lot. NOW!"

Long-story short, I smoked the little fucker in the parking lot of a Best Buy. I got back to my room. Put the game on.

I AM NOT IN THE FUCKING GAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, EA, it's on. Expect to be served. I have called my agent, the agent for my abs, all 16 of my lawyers, and we are wicked pissed at you. I expect to be in the game by week's end. End of story.

Adversity only makes me stronger. Now the workout will include an extra 20,000 crunches. I am going to score an extra ten touchdowns this year. That's how pissed I am.

I am not the fucking ball-boy.